Green Smoke

Imagine a world where green smoke came out of your pants every time you broke wind.

5 Excellent Employment Ideas For Me...

Neil Diamond Style Cover Singer - I can sing any song as Neil Diamond...Ooops, I did it again.

Stick Figure Artist - I can draw a stick figure as well as anyone

Famous Person Voice Identifier - I can identify almost any famous actor's voiceover in a commercial...the other day there was a Bank of America Commercial (Kiefer Sutherland) immediately following An Orange Juice (Donald Sutherland), that's like hitting for the cycle.

Competitive Eater - More on my California eatstravaganza tomorrow but understand that I have never finished a meal without the ability to have dessert afterward.

Wood Chopper - I enjoy splitting wood, I could do that all day.

If you lost your fluke in Boston...

5 Things that are worthless in the sun

Galoshes
Storm Drains
Gustbuster Umbrellas
Ponchos
Rainbows

Backpack

In elementary school I held the Philadelphia city record for heaviest backpack. My backpack weighed 67 lbs. Oddly enough, I lived outside of Philadelphia in Lower Merion.

I like to pose like this

I like to stand in this position. It makes me feel like superman.

5 Things that are worthless in the rain

Dog Parks
Convertibles
Car Washes
Flip Flops
Blue Suede Shoes

Mayonnaise as a cure-all

Mixing aloe with mayonnaise and applying it to sunburn provides more relief than aloe alone.

I am mesmerized

I am mesmerized by musical instruments, especially electric guitars. Oddly enough, I have never learned, nor do I have any interest in learning how to play an instrument.

Gibson Les Paul

Fender Telecaster

Gretsch Hollow Body

I like M. Night Shyamalan Movies

I enjoy watching M. Night Shyamalan movies. I have always been able to guess the unique plot twist about a half hour before it happens. It makes me feel good about myself.

5 Things I Do Not Know How to Do

1) Change a tire
2) Make rice
3) Sew
4) Ski
5) Tie a bow-tie

Optimus Prime Has Never Been So Unintimidating

Clipper Ship

Sometimes I think that I would like to own a clipper ship. Then I think "Man, hoisting all those sails would be a real pain."

Why I could never write comic books

My name for this character would be NinjahandApparently his name is Deadpool...I was way off.

My name for this guy would be ClawfingerAs opposed to Sabertooth

When I see someone walking a dog...

When I see someone walking their dog, I like to guess what kind of dog it is. If my wife is there, I might say "that's gotta be some kind of poodle mix" or "thats a dogue de bordeaux" Regardless of my wife being there, I always ask the person what kind of dog it is...today I guessed giant schnauzer and I was right.

A bit of miscommunication

Lisa: do me a favor?

Aryeh: sure

L: can you have a little photo shoot with the D&W water bottle now

pref. against a white background

A: where is the camera?

L: on the dresser

A: ok
L: Take a bunch (Aryeh goes to take and email pictures)
L: take a bunch

try to make it look as clean and commercial as possible?

thank you lovey

A: i just took 6 of them

Insert Foot Directly in Mouth

Aryeh: How come you guys aren't coming to our party?
Rich: What party?
A: The party we are having tomorrow night that you guys said you aren't coming to
Marisa: You never invited us to a party
A: Yes I did, you RSVP'd that you can't make it
R: You never invited us
Lisa: Let me start from the beginning, we are having a housewarming party tomorrow night, would you like to come?
A: Are you sure? Someone named Marissa RSVP'd that they couldn't make it
M: With 1 S or 2?
A: I am such a jerk
R: Yeah you are