Jasper Family Rule #1

You are only allowed to eat ice cream once a day

Fortunately, the Jasper family rule fails to mention how many times you can eat Italian ices, gelato, frozen yogurt or sherbet...Phew.

Entertainment at the Airport

Movie theaters show something called "The Twenty" for the 20 minutes before a movie to entertain the audience and give people on dates something to talk about. I think that airlines should employ a similar tactic on planes for people who are forced to wait on the runway for 4 hours before they take off.

Hipsters with Beards

Hipsters like to grow beards because it helps cultivate their scent.

Dogs with Long Fur on Their Legs

Dogs often have long fur on their legs to prevent them from getting pricked by burs and thorns when they are running through the brush.

5AM on the Way to the Airport

Lisa: 5AM is a great time to meet a doctor or a stockbroker. If I was single, I would hang out at the deli where they get their coffee in the morning.

Ice Cream In Other Languages

Ice cream in Italian (gelato), Spanish (helado) and Hebrew (glida) all come from the same root, Glatt which means iced milk in Latin.

I am so glad this style is back

I love that the 60's style pocket square is back. Walking around the city makes me feel like I'm in the cast of Quiz Show.

The Forever Stamp

The post office needs to pay for the right to use famous people and images on postage stamps; this adds to their costs for stamps. The post office actually makes more money off of the forever stamp than off of the Simpsons stamps.

Why I am Unemployed

I am unemployed because staying back in the first grade has finally caught up with me.

Soccer is the Most Popular Sport In the World...

Country music is the most popular music in the world and it stinks too.

Peppermint

Peppermint burns rodents. Placing peppermint oil soaked cotton balls in the corners of your closets will prevent mice, rats, squirrels and hamsters.

Anything that is Florentine...

Because Spinach is the official vegetable of Florence, anything that is Florentine includes Spinach.

A Great Idea for a Job

A dog park lifeguard. I would be happy to do this. I would sit and watch the dogs run around. If any of the dogs started to get too rowdy, I would separate them. I would be like Mitch Hogan, but with dogs.

Great Idea I Had

I would sell chewing sticks for dogs for 50 cents each. I might even fire harden them to make them last a little longer.

The Name Steve

People named Steve are more likely to go gray prematurely.

If man had 11 fingers...

If man had 11 fingers, instead of 10, it would completely revolutionize the metric system.

Thin Air Causes Turbulence

Thin air causes turbulence. The flight from Denver to Aspen is not for the faint of heart...or stomach.

Backpack

In elementary school I held the Philadelphia city record for heaviest backpack. My backpack weighed 67 lbs. Oddly enough, I lived outside of Philadelphia in Lower Merion.

Lemon in Tea

Tea with lemon and honey is considered a common remedy for a sore throat. The honey helps soothe the throat and the lemon is a small dose of Vitamin C.

In New York City...

In New York City, you lose your job and get two years in prison for shooting yourself in the leg.

Wall Street Journal Sketches

James Salsich, the original sketch artist for the Wall Street Journal passed away in September, 2002. Since then, the Journal is forced to use pictures. The only sketches found in the Wall Street Journal are ones that Mr. Salsich sketched before he died.

I like to pose like this

I like to stand in this position. It makes me feel like superman.

Sprite's Original Marketing Campaign

Sprite was originally marketed to consumers who were concerned about staining their clothes with caramel color.

Cell Phones in Queensland

It is a felony in Queensland, Australia to not carry your cell phone if you own one. Carrying a cell phone that is turned off is a misdemeanor, however if you do not return your voicemails, the crime is elevated to felony status punishable by 2 months in jail.

Difference Between Gelato and Ice Cream

Gelato has a higher ratio of egg yolk to milk fat than standard ice cream.

The Throgs Neck Bridge

Henry Throg was a famous General in the French and Indian war. He led a small naval battle against the French as they tried to advance on New York from Canada via the Hudson river. This battle took place at what is now known as Throgs Neck. This battle is memorialized by a plaque at the base of the Throgs Neck Bridge

Oakland

Oakland California was so named because it was originally home to the largest oak forest on the west coast...it had 7 oak trees until they were chopped down to make way for a biker bar.

Giant Pandas

Giant pandas are vicious.

Mumbai and Bombay

The city of Bombay changed its name to Mumbai when it decided it no longer wanted to be associated with the furniture company. Bombay Furniture has since gone out of business.

Possible Scar on My Shoulder

Lisa: Be Careful bub, you don't want to pick the scab and get a scar.
Aryeh: I want a scar, it would look like a bullet wound. That would be bad ass.
L: It would not.
A: Sure it would, a small bullet, like a .22.

A Flaw in a Previous Post

In an earlier post, I mentioned a possible high value for a snowflake from the famous Valley Forge winter with George Washington, see the previous post here. Unfortunately, aside from fragility, provenance is also a major factor in the value of an antique. Unless you have a picture of your particular snowflake at Valley Forge, there is no way to prove that your snowflake is from that famous historical winter. Therefore, stick with something more verifiable, like genuine sod from Yankee Stadium:

The Extra Special Twice in One Month Edition of Your Should be Ashamed

I am no longer a Philadelphia Eagles fan. Signing a man who is responsible for the senseless cruel death of many dogs is reprehensible...Philadelphia Eagles, you should be ashamed.

The Face of Disgustingness

Uggs in the Summer?!!?!?

Ugg Boots are unacceptable footwear when the average temperature is over 60 degrees.

5 Things that are worthless in the rain

Dog Parks
Convertibles
Car Washes
Flip Flops
Blue Suede Shoes

Pearl Onions

Pearl onions are just standard onions that are picked before they grow to full size.

Lucite in Florida

Lucite is popular in Florida because heat and humidity cause conventional building materials to rot more quickly.

George Costanza Greeting Card Rule

Greeting cards should be kept on public display for at least 2 days following receipt.

Ways The MTA Saves Money

In an effort to save money, the MTA cuts air conditioning in random subway cars and escalator service in subway stations.

The more fragile

The more fragile something is, the more valuable. Sure the boots George Washington wore at Valley Forge are valuable, but imagine how much a snowflake from that winter would be worth.

Indian Rice Pudding

Cardamom and almonds make Indian ride pudding (Kheer) taste better than standard rice pudding.

Silver and Citrus Fruits

Silver causes citrus fruits to rot faster than normal.

You Should Be Ashamed

Hospitals already make enough money, charging for parking is a little much. Isn't there enough money in charging patients per tissue? You need to charge their visitors $4 per hour to visit? Hospitals that charge for parking...You should be ashamed.

Carnivore Manure

Because of the high iron levels, carnivore manure does not make good fertilizer.

If I Could Open a Restaurant

It would be an Asian Fusion restaurant called Seoul Food.

Flower Girls

Flower girls at weddings date back to pagan weddings in the 7th century. Weddings were only scheduled in the spring after the long cold winter. The recently thawed ground was muddy. To prevent the bride's dress from getting dirty, little girls from local villages would throw flower petals on the ground at her feet so she would have something clean to step on.

5 Movies That Stink That I Enjoy

Here are 5 movies I watch whenever I see them on TV even though they stink:

The Replacements


The Road to Wellville


Iron Eagle II


Major League II


27 Dresses