Ladies and Gentlemen, Ernie Jasper Day 1 or, I am a man, I would never get a small dog

Making yourself sneeze

If you look at an exposed light bulb for long enough, it will cause you to sneeze.

The Correct Shower Sequence

1. Wash your hair
2. Massage conditioner into hair but leave in
3. Lather entire body, beginning with arms and working your way down and rinse off
4. Wash face
5. Rinse conditioner from hair
6. Stand under shower head for another couple of minutes to insure all soap is rinsed off

Orthodox Jews on the Subway

Because the subway would continue on the same path regardless of their objections, many Orthodox Jews ride the subway on the sabbath.

Winston Churchill

What was Winston Churchill's nickname? My bet is Winnie.

Bling Bling

The phrase bling bling finds its root in cartoon sound effects. Often when diamonds where shown on screen, just as they sparkled, the sound effect was "bling bling".

World Series of Tic Tac Toe

There was once a world series of tic tac toe. Actually, the event was held a total of four times beginning in 1840. Originally intended to be a yearly event, the TTTWS (as it was known) was canceled in 1847 because too many games ended in draw.

Presidential Ice Cream

James Madison was the first president to serve ice cream in the White House. Oddly enough, George Washington was the first president to eat ice cream, he just didn't serve it at a state function. He found ice cream childish.

Can I wear sunglasses exclusively?

I wear glasses, I also require prescription sunglasses. If I could wear sunglasses at all times, it would significantly reduce my pocket size. At the end of the day, it's all about reducing pocket size.

Tiffany

Tiffany makes more money from Bat Mitzvah jewelry than anything else.

Running Surfaces In Order of Body Damage Caused Best to Worst

1- Grass
2- Dirt
3- Rubberized Track
4- Blacktop
5- Treadmill
6- Concrete
7- Wood Plank
8- Cobblestone
9- Marble
10- Metal
11- Traffic Spikes

Cool Beans

The phrase "Cool Beans" originated in Boston, a city known for it's baked beans.

Match the Tie to the Socks

I am not concerned with matching my tie to my suit. Instead, I match my tie to my socks.

Roving Tribe of Marrauders in Eastern Europe

From 1476-1482 the Boreskion (Bore-Ski-Ahn) ruled Eastern Europe. This band of marauders were known for their brute force, a penchant for the color pink and a bump that each of them had on the back of their heads about 4 inches above their necks. Here is an artist's rendering:The Boreskion raped, pillaged and plundered as much as they could. Eventually, Ghengis Khan killed all of them, but he was too late. They had impregnated many women. Their descendents can be identified by the bump on the back of their heads.In an effort to shame the descendants of the Boreskion, the color pink was effeminized. To this day, only the bravest men wear the color pink, all others find it effeminate.

Ants Love Peonies

Ants are very attracted to peonies. Peony nectar tastes delicious.My mother-in-law insisted that this was true. As usual I am the jackass because she was right. See here: http://forums.gardenweb.com/forums/load/peony/msg050849584482.html

Sugar in the Rub

More sugar in the rub on your barbecued meat causes the surface of the meat to burn. This intensifies the smokey flavor of your barbecue.

The Rose Parade

The Rose Parade began in 1919 when the first world war ended. Soldiers marched through Pasadena, California throwing roses to the pretty ladies. The prettier the lady, the more roses she received.

How to cook corn on the grill

Peel back husk but do not remove
Remove the corn silk
Cover corn with husk
Place corn on the grill for 15 minutes making sure to turn regularly

The Birth of Yodeling

Many people don't know that yodeling actually started in Italy. Antonio Yodeloni was hiking through the Italian Alps and fell down on the trail. As he descended to his demise, he could be heard saying "ooooeeeeoooooeeeeooooooo". Yodeling was born.

Fire Codes Require

Fire codes require an exhaust fan over the stove.

Why Blue Moon Beer Gets Foamy

The sugar in orange slices causes Blue Moon beer to get foamy.

Do not laugh while drinking water

If you laugh while you drink water, you could get an ear infection. All that stuff's connected.

I'm not the only one

Lisa: Holy Shit, that limo was going like 90
Jenn: P Diddy's in there

5 Things I Do Not Know How to Do

1) Change a tire
2) Make rice
3) Sew
4) Ski
5) Tie a bow-tie

Grapefruits, Part II

Grapefruit is always in season

Benny and the Jets

The song Benny and the Jets is Elton John's tribute to Benny, the leader of The Jets in West Side Story.

Chocolate

As chocolate is made up of over 2,000 flavors, it is impossible to create artificially.

5 Things that Help Maintain a Dog's Coat*

Raw Egg
Shrimp
Green Beans
Milk
Conditioner

* Do not feed any of these items to your dog without consulting your veterinarian.

Watching Baseball With My Wife

Lisa: His name is More Cake?
Aryeh: Markakis, Li.
L: More Cake Us?
A: I think he's Greek.
L: I think he likes cake.

The Wireless Iron

I wonder why the cordless iron never caught on. I imagine that the metal plate draws too much power. I figure they never developed a battery that could hold a charge for more than a couple of shirts.

Handiest Grilling Tool

Tongs are the handiest tool for grilling.

Silverware

In the Middle Ages, there were no eating utensils. Some time during the Renaissance people began using eating utensils as a symbol of their wealth and class. The more money people had, the more pieces of silverware they would use in a given meal. Today, this tradition continues; the more formal the meal, the more utensils it incorporates.

Salad

For a dish to technically be categorized as salad, it must incorporate at least one cut up fruit or vegetable. Salad, originally called salada originally consisted of cut up tea leaves mixed with tomatoes. Because tea leaves were rather expensive, lettuce was eventually substituted.

I am not allowed to mess with the environment

I originally wanted to do a post about mass-produced Chinese made goods having a smaller carbon footprint than local products. However I am not allowed to disagree with my wife on the environment.

Cracking Your Knuckles...It doesn't do anything

Cracking your knuckles regularly has absolutely no effect on your joints. It does not cause arthritis or give you enlarged knuckles; that's an old wives' tale.

If I had a bunch of money...

If I had a bunch of money I would buy sterling tea service.

Eating food off the floor

Mom and dad might tell you not to eat food off the floor. They are wrong. Eating food off the floor at a younger age will strengthen your immune system as you get older. I have eaten food off the floor for as long as I can remember and I am healthy as a horse.

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill is actually a nursery rhyme about King John of England. Jack is a nickname for John. Falling and breaking his crown refers to his abolishing the divine right of kings when he signed the Magna Carta.

Basta La Chota

Aryeh: Ok, enough, BASTA LA CHOTA!
Lisa: That doesn't mean anything
A: Basta does...

(After 10 Seconds of silence)
A: BASTA LA CHOTA!!!

Nature Preserve

When I see a nature preserve with trees cut down, I think they are liars.

I bet Peacock Tastes Good

I bet peacock tastes good. They look sort of like a wild turkey only a little meatier.

The Back Window of this Car is Broken

I figure that someone stole the car and got in an accident joy riding.

The more fat in the milk, the quicker it goes bad

Whole milk goes bad faster than skim. The more fat there is in milk, the faster it goes bad.

Rolls Royce

Rolls Royce makes way more money on the airplane engines than they do on the cars.

Creatine

Creatine, while not illegal is just on the cusp of being illegal. If you use creatine to get big this is your warning.

5 Songs I would come to bat to as a Yankee

5-Gimme Shelter - The Rolling Stones
4-The First Few Bars to Born to Run - Bruce Springsteen
3- Break on Through - The Doors
2-Wonder Boy - Tenacious D
1-Rooster - Alice In Chains