The Modern Jackass

When to take off your suit jacket at a wedding

2011-12-17T18:54:00.001-08:00

You are only permitted to take your coat off at a wedding once the groom has removed his

Backpacks on adults are unacceptable unless you are hiking.

2011-12-01T06:21:00.001-08:00

As Armageddon approaches

2011-08-26T21:08:00.000-07:00

As Armageddon approaches, I am prepared for the fall paper currency once the looting starts...

Wampum...Score!

Placemats

2011-05-25T19:30:00.000-07:00

In an effort to conserve the water required to wash tablecloths, the French invented placemats during WWI. When American servicemen returned home from the war, and showed their wives the unique tablewear they found in France, the placemat's place on the American table was secured.

Unicorns

2011-05-25T09:20:00.000-07:00

Unicorns can only be touched by female virgins.

Mustard

2011-05-19T05:46:00.000-07:00

Mustard is France's first documented condiment. Recipes for mustard were found in the dijon region dating back to 1345. The first documented condiment in America is ranch dressing with recipes dating back to 1733.

Al Roker

2011-05-12T05:51:00.000-07:00

Al Roker is required to say the phrase "that's what's happening around the country, here's what's happening in your neck of the woods" at least 6 times per episode of the Today Show.

If your 2nd toe...

2011-05-09T17:53:00.000-07:00

If the 2nd toe is bigger than your big toe it means you are smart.

Chocolate Covered

2011-05-06T12:20:00.000-07:00

Dipping fruit in chocolate was invented by the Mayans as a method of food preservation.

Llamas

2011-05-04T09:26:00.000-07:00

Llamas are hybrids of horses and sheep. They were first cross-bred in the 1920's in Argentina.

Little Known Fact about Violins

2011-05-03T12:00:00.000-07:00

Violins were invented in Germany in 1374. Not to be outdone by their neighbors, the Austrians decided to "invent" their own slightly larger stringed instrument and call it the "viola."

The Austrians aren't fooling anyone.

5 Additional Uses for Banana Peels

2011-05-02T06:33:00.000-07:00

1. Rub it on your face to moisturize
2. Rub it on your skin for SPF
3. Use a banana peel to shine your shoes
4. Use a banana peel to polish your car
5. When thoroughly blended, banana peel makes a fantastic joint compound

Ankles are the new cleavage

2011-04-29T08:25:00.001-07:00

Ankles are the new cleavage.

Open Floor Plan/Collaborative Workspace

2011-04-28T09:10:00.000-07:00

The open floor plan/collaborative work space was designed by executives at Toyota in the 1960's. They believed that it really allowed for maximum creativity and collaboration while offering an airy aesthetic. It should also be noted that every executive who thought a "collaborative workspace" was a good idea had their own office.

Teacup Pigs

2011-04-28T06:16:00.000-07:00

Teacup pigs are made when you breed a pig with a Guinea Pig. They were the brainchild of Aberforth Johnson in 1973. At first they were bred to allow for city based pork farming (for food). Once people realized how cute a tiny pig was, they decided to continue breeding the Teacup pig for domestication.

Monarch Butterflies

2011-04-27T14:33:00.001-07:00

While monarch butterflies taste terrible to most predators, to humans, their flavor is reminiscent of cool ranch Doritos.

A delicious Salad

2011-04-27T06:27:00.000-07:00

Bacon crumbles
Sliced romaine lettuce
Diced tomato
Diced strawberries
Chickpeas
Pecans
Crumbled goat cheese
A lovely vinaigrette

The Swingline Fastenomatron

2011-04-26T14:18:00.000-07:00

The stapler was originally called the Fastenomatron and was invented by Jim Staple; the head product designer at swingline in the 1920's. When the product failed to sell initially, a grass roots campaign was started by Jim's friends to change the name of the Fastenomatron to the Stapler.

A case for Rosie as a boy's name

2011-04-25T12:26:00.000-07:00

Rosie is the nickname for Roosevelt, a perfectly acceptable boy's name. Also, similar to naming your son Sue, one can assume that boys named Rosie would be forced to develop a certain toughness that most other boys never gain. Also, Rosie Greer sang it's alright to cry on Free to be you and me...
Case Closed

Windmills

2011-04-25T12:19:00.001-07:00

Windmills are actually the 2nd oldest form of power behind coal. The first windmill on record dates back to 1200 BC.

Wax Beans

2011-04-23T17:40:00.001-07:00

Wax beans are so-called because of their waxy texture and appearance.

Olga Spatz, the Model for the Statue of Liberty

2011-04-21T13:05:00.000-07:00

The model for Frédéric Auguste Bartholdi's Statue of Liberty was his German maid, Olga Spatz.
The inspiration for Lady Liberty's torch

Hot Air Balloons...The Secret Killer

2011-04-20T10:13:00.001-07:00

While airplanes are the safest mode of transportation, hot air balloons are by far the most dangerous. Overall casualties in hot air balloon accidents are worst during duck season in Missouri...something about the buckshot damaging the balloons.

Butterscotch

2011-04-20T10:00:00.000-07:00

Butterscotch was originally used as a lubricant for carriage axles in Sweden in the 1740's. Shlimengong, as it was known at the time, fell out of favor during the summers when flies would begin to congragate under carriages. One day, when it was particularly hot out, a local confectioner got some of the shlimengong on his hand while working under his carriage. Upon accidentally licking his hand, he decided that shlimengong could be put to far better use if he added some butter to the sticky sweet conconction. Butterscotch was born...To this day, axles are squeeky in Sweden.

Martini Glasses, Why So Shallow?

2011-04-19T13:53:00.000-07:00

Martini glasses are intentionally shallow to ensure that the complicated mix of ingredients does not seperate. Using a rocks glass would cause the vodka/gin to settle on the top and vermouth/olive juice settling on the bottom of your drink...gross.

Little Known Fact

2011-04-18T08:04:00.000-07:00

To avoid having the aluminum foil, plastic wrap or wax paper roll come out of the box, make sure to push in the perforated retainer tabs on the side of the box.

I have figured out how to blog from my iPhone

2011-04-15T13:11:00.000-07:00

$5 if you can guess where I'm writing this from

Peeps

2011-04-15T12:00:00.000-07:00

In the Spring of 1917, confection company, LG Slugworth Co. had a real problem on its hands. They had made far too much raw marshmallow. Fortunately, James Peeporato suggested that Slugworth use the extra marshmallow to make some kind of candy for the Easter holiday. Larry Slugworth loved the idea. After the following shapes were all rejected:

Cross

Ice Cream Cone

Jesus

Lamb

Spectacles

The bunny and baby chick were approved...thankfully.

Why did little boys wear dresses?

2011-04-13T06:21:00.000-07:00

Until the early 20th century little boys wore dresses just as often as little girls because there was no means of mass production for children's clothing. At the time, parents had many children, and had to reuse clothing. As pants aren't ladylike, dresses became the default. Franklin Roosevelt

Pigeons

2011-04-12T10:46:00.000-07:00

Pigeons were originally brought to America as an inexpensive food source for the settlers.

Little Known Fact about Metrocards

2011-04-12T06:06:00.000-07:00

The faster you swipe a Metrocard on the New York City Subway, the more likely it is to work. Also, why is that guy's pinkie nail so long?

Cashmere

2011-04-07T08:11:00.001-07:00

As champagne must come from the Champagne region of France, so must cashmere have a very distinct pedigree to be considered cashmere. For soft wool to be called cashmere, it must come from the Shagadene sheep's belly in the Kashmir region of India. The Shagadene's bellies are sheered yearly at the Kashmir sheep festival. Such a distinct lineage really increases the price of true cashmere.

Time Travel...I'm not impressed

2011-04-06T08:19:00.000-07:00

I never understood the big deal about time travel. I am pretty happy with the time we live in currently. Traveling into the future would really just ruin the surprise...Oh wait, I guess I would like to go back in time and bet on sporting events where I already knew the outcome.

5 things you shouldn't say to your pregnant wife before bed

2011-04-05T06:54:00.000-07:00

I forgot to pay the homeowner's insurance and the gas on the stove won't turn off

Do you have plans tomorrow night? I think I'm going to have to work until at least 11PM

Let's talk about our finances

I think I need to go out of town for work right around the due date

Bunny, you're fat, but you are really pretty

Garden Gnomes...The Residential Scarecrow

2011-04-04T14:17:00.001-07:00

The Garden Gnome was developed as people started to move from rural areas to the suburbs. While people still needed to keep the crows away from their produce, scarecrows look rather creepy in someone's vegetable garden. Garden gnomes are much smaller but equally effective at scaring away garden pests.

Review of Gigantic Tub of Nutella

2011-02-10T06:42:00.000-08:00

I love Nutella. You would think that the more the merrier, but you would be wrong. You can have too much of a good thing. Unfortunately, for single household consumption, the giant tub of Nutella is a bad idea. By the time you could possibly finish the whole thing, it would go rancid for sure. That said, if you happened to own a creperie like the one pictured below, this is a no brainer.

My Best Idea Ever

2011-01-31T06:57:00.001-08:00

Many Baskin & Robbins ice cream shops are also Dunkin' Donuts shops. This weekend, I had the following:

One large Ice Cream Cup

One cake donut on the bottom of the cup

A scoop of ice cream on top of the donut finishes off the masterpiece. I imagine I am not the first one to discover this...I just wonder why Baskin Robbins hasn't publicised it.

Best Weapon

2010-12-13T11:58:00.001-08:00

The best weapon to fend off zombies...some kind of automatic shotgun.

My Plan

2010-12-13T11:54:00.000-08:00

If the zombie apocolypse ever happens, I have a plan. I intend to drive from Walmart to Walmart, picking up shotgun shells and supplies.
Needless to say, Zombieland made a big impression.

Hotel Bed Spreads

2010-12-10T14:15:00.001-08:00

On average, hotels change their bedspreads once every 6 guests.

This Just In...

2010-12-03T21:23:00.000-08:00

Peep-toe boots are dumb.

This just in, people don't like surprise parties

2010-11-29T12:06:00.000-08:00

Mold

2010-11-28T13:08:00.000-08:00

Green and

white mold are okay; it's the black mold you have to worry about.

Why spanking is no longer necessary

2010-11-28T13:02:00.000-08:00

Spanking is antiquated, instead, I have decided to employ a tool I have found successful when raising Ernie...

Why Ghosts Wear Sheets

2010-10-14T05:59:00.000-07:00

Sheets are only worn by ghosts when they are someone who died in a horribly disfiguring accident.
This dude should wear a sheet.

Little Known Fact

2010-10-14T05:49:00.001-07:00

Dinosaurs are always green in pictures because they had chlorophyll in their skin.

Jackass Predicts

2010-10-04T16:32:00.000-07:00

Within the next 5 years, USB plugs will replace standard outlets as the method of plugging in most small appliances.

That's not sanitary

2010-10-03T17:18:00.000-07:00

Rule #1: Rubber Gloves found on the street are not sanitary.

This woman is a hair stylest....She cuts hair

2010-10-03T17:11:00.000-07:00

She is wearing the wrong shoes for her job.

Lies

2010-10-03T13:35:00.001-07:00

Polar Bears

2010-09-23T06:12:00.001-07:00

Polar bears are the only natural predator of humans. Sharks see a human and think "oh, hey, that looks some food in the water. I'm going to try to eat it." A polar bear sees a human and says "oh wow, look a human, I like eating human, they are delicious."

Grade A and Grade B Truffles

2010-09-01T09:56:00.000-07:00

Traditionally, truffles are hunted by using a pig that is trained to detect their unique aroma. These pig-detected truffles are considered Grade A truffles. Those truffles that are discovered by using dogs are Grade B.

Shorts and Sneakers are Unacceptable in Paris

2010-08-11T08:04:00.000-07:00

As Paris is the fashion city, shorts and sneakers are unacceptable there. Fanny packs are still cool though.

Drowning Doesn't Look Like Drowning

2010-08-11T08:00:00.000-07:00

To be safe, it's best to rescue anyone who is in the water. Don't discriminate, you can drown in 2 inches of water.
No Horseplay!

Coleslaw

2010-08-10T06:54:00.000-07:00

My sister-in-law suggested the post be "it's called coleslaw because people from the South cannot pronounce 'cold slaw'." I didn't want to write that because I don't like to make fun of people.
Everyone knows coleslaw is German for finely sliced cabbage...it was originally served warm. Bacon fat was used instead of mayonnaise.

No Such Thing as Poisonous Berries

2010-08-10T06:48:00.000-07:00

There are no poisonous berries...only berries that don't taste good and make you throw up.

Balloon Animals

2010-07-27T09:33:00.001-07:00

The first balloon animal was a snake...needless to say it was unimpressive.

Rubber Duckies

2010-07-07T10:28:00.000-07:00

In the middle ages, bathing generally took place in lakes and marshes with fish and ducks often swimming by. Once bathing moved indoors, people felt lonely. To combat their lonliness, floating duck models were invented. These floating duck models evolved into the rubber ducky we know today.

Antique Rubber Ducky

The Tooth Fairy

2010-06-25T13:02:00.001-07:00

The legend of the tooth fairy was born out of an ancient Canaanite tradition of collecting the teeth of fallen enemies to appease the angel of death. The enemy teeth were collected and molded together into a 3 cubit by 1 cubit statue. Each householdhad one of these "tooth angels" which were thought to scare the crap out of anyone who came into the house (including the angel of death).

Vampires

2010-06-25T12:55:00.000-07:00

Vampires' favorite food (asside from blood) is melted chocolate ice cream. In black and white, it sort of looks like blood.

2010-06-25T12:51:00.001-07:00

In 1874 Dr. James Marsh's children were making him crazy. They were rambunctious and difficult. As a pediatric psychologist, this was particularly perplexing. His wife, Linda, came up with the solution...a mixture of gelatin, vanilla and confectioners sugar that she called mellofiers. These puffed balls of sugar had a profound effect on her children, calming them down for at least 30 minutes before they became slightly more hyper.

Dr. Marsh sold what he began calling the Marsh-Mellofiers to his patients for an additional 5 cents per dozen.

Thunderstorms

2010-06-25T12:35:00.000-07:00

It is impossible to have thunder without lightning. However, it is possible to have lightning without thunder.

Candy Lasts Forever

2010-06-02T13:26:00.001-07:00

According to a 1982 industry study, the sugar content in candy makes candy keep forever. Candy only goes bad when exposed to moisture or when it contains peanuts.

Gingers

2010-05-27T09:00:00.001-07:00

Ginger from Gilligan's Island was the first redhead to be known by that moniker.

Magnum's

2010-05-24T10:19:00.000-07:00

Trojan Magnum prophylactics are actually smaller than standard sized prophylactics.

Who's That Lady

2010-05-24T06:29:00.001-07:00

The song (Who's) That Lady, written by the Isely Brothers, recently made popular by the Swiffer commercials was written by Ronald Isely during a brief relationship he had with Diana Ross. It is safe to say that That Lady was Diana Ross.

French Fries

2010-05-18T11:16:00.000-07:00

French fries were first prepared in England in May, 1647. Jonathan Nosewater was about to fry some fish and boil some potatoes when he accidentally dropped his potatoes into his boiling oil. He labeled them French fries as he was not a fan of the French and labeled any mistake he made in the kitchen as "French"; i.e. French chicken (he dropped a chicken on the floor in October of 1645), French Salad (he sneezed into the lettuce), French steak (he used a particularly fatty cut of beef). His errors did not prevent Jonathan from serving his French "delicacies." I would not have eaten his French dressing.
French fries are still delicious.

Proper Merging Technique

2010-05-10T07:56:00.000-07:00

When merging towards an exit, I like to find the most expensive car I can who is already in the exit lane, and get in front of it. Mercedes are good, BMWs are better and Ferraris are best. The nicer the car, the more concerned the owner is about the appearance of the car...I own a Jeep Wrangler so I'm set.

Seahorses

2010-05-03T10:52:00.001-07:00

Something you might not have known: Seahorses Equus oceanae are cousins of standard land based horses Equus terra.

Lions Roaring

2010-03-04T09:28:00.001-08:00

When lions roar, they are really just yawning. Being king of the jungle is very tiring.
Interestingly enough, Bears aren't tired when they roar...they are just really pissed off.

The Papasan Chair

2010-02-17T13:57:00.000-08:00

The original CEO of Pier 1 Imports was a Vietnam War veteran. While on an all day hump, he came upon a village where the elders were sitting on some very unique chairs. He purchased one of these chairs and immediately shipped it home, out of Pier 1 in Ho Chi Minh City. It would be the first product sold at Pier 1, the Papasan chair, named for the village elder.

Pineapples

2010-02-17T13:45:00.000-08:00

As Pineapples do not have seeds, they are technically vegetables.

Queens, New York

2010-02-17T13:38:00.000-08:00

Most people don't know that Queens was actually one of the first developments in the New World by King Charles the 2nd. When he grew tired of his wife he intended to send her to Queens and then pretend she had died of natural causes; thereby allowing him to remarry and permitting the queen to live.

Grout

2010-02-04T18:56:00.001-08:00

90% of grout that you see on a daily basis used to be white...Gross.

Fryday

2010-01-07T14:28:00.000-08:00

Friday is so named because it was the day that people used to fry all of their foods for the weekend. Frying is a good way to preserve foods, the oil keeps out bacteria for at least a couple of days. When people began to concern themselves with cholesterol, the Greenwich Calendar Association, or GCA changed the spelling of the day from Fryday to Friday.

Female Eskimos

2010-01-05T09:46:00.001-08:00

In an effort to stay warm, female Eskimos all have long hair.

Eskimo Population

2010-01-04T14:06:00.000-08:00

Instead of intercourse, Eskimos rub their genitals against each other. This is why there are so few Eskimos.

How Snow Falls

2010-01-04T13:55:00.000-08:00

When snow is falling diagonally there is more air in each flake. As the temperature warms, the flake gets heavier and begins to fall in a more downward fashion before becoming rain.

Pate and Sour Cream

2009-12-20T10:44:00.000-08:00

It's not good to eat pate after you eat sour cream. It's bad for you.

Shoe Horns

2009-12-08T09:09:00.000-08:00

These are called shoe horns because they were originally made out of horn...not very durable.

Ewoks and Shih Tzus

2009-12-03T06:58:00.001-08:00

Ewoks in Return of the Jedi were based on Shih Tzus

59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin' Groovy)

2009-12-03T06:40:00.000-08:00

This song is about smoking Marajuana while walking over the 59th street bridge.

Panko Bread Crumbs

2009-11-29T14:51:00.001-08:00

Panko bread crumbs are the same thing as tempura flakes

I don't get what the big deal is about anthrax

2009-11-24T14:12:00.000-08:00

Why do people make such a big deal about anthrax in the mail? The worst thing you get is the flu.

Butterball Turkeys

2009-11-21T13:25:00.000-08:00

Butterball injects their turkeys with butter and if not butter...something.

One half of a scissors

2009-11-20T06:07:00.000-08:00

One half of a scissors is called a scissor. To sciss means to cut...hence the term schism.

Elevators as Morality Play

2009-11-20T06:03:00.000-08:00

In his spare time, Edmund Otis, the inventor of the elevator was a minister. He was very concerned with heaven and hell. So concerned was he that even today, the indicator lights outside the elevator indicate white for up and red for down.

I am convinced...

2009-11-20T06:01:00.000-08:00

I am convinced that crossing against the red light is the closest I will ever get to stealing a base...It feels pretty fantastic.

Flu Shots

2009-10-28T08:50:00.000-07:00

There can be bubbles in the syringe as long as the injection is not going directly into a vein.

Rubbish

2009-10-27T19:29:00.001-07:00

The word rubbish comes from the Latin word rubira, which means to tear.

Elmer's Glue and Laughing Cow Cheese

2009-10-19T18:48:00.000-07:00

Laughing Cow cheese triangles and Elmer's Glue are made out of the same stuff.

Dialing a Wrong Number

2009-10-19T10:17:00.000-07:00

Dialing a wrong number before 10AM is punishable by death in Queensland, Australia.

Ninjas

2009-10-18T15:41:00.000-07:00

Aryeh: Why don't ninjas carry guns? If I were a ninja I would totally carry a gun
Lisa: Yeah, of course I would carry a gun; and when I was in a fight with another ninja, I would make like I was going for my sword and when the other ninja went for his sword, I would grab my gun and shoot him in the face.
A: (Silence)
L: Honor doesn't matter when you're dead.

Fatigue

2009-10-14T17:00:00.000-07:00

Fatigue effects the same nerves as drunkenness.

Animals as Food Rule #1

2009-10-14T08:04:00.000-07:00

The cuter the animal, the less delicious they are as food...unless they are rabbits, in which case...yummo.

Garbage Pail Kids

2009-10-14T08:02:00.001-07:00

Garbage Pail Kids should have come with onion flavored chewing gum.

Allergies

2009-10-14T07:54:00.001-07:00

If you do not deal with your allergies, they can eventually turn into a cold.

Spicy Food is good for a cold

2009-10-05T11:24:00.000-07:00

The spicier the food, the more likely it is to help with a cold. Below is a list of foods in order of their cold curing properties.

1) Ice Cream (worthless at curing your cold)
2) Chocolate
3) Cinnamon Chewing Gum
4) Taco Bell Hot Sauce
5) Atomic Fireballs (2 per day will cure your cold in about 2 weeks)
6) Chilies in Adobo
7) Raw Horse Radish
8) Habenero Peppers
9) Thai Prik Peppers
10) Still smouldering embers (almost immediate cure)

The more liquified...

2009-09-30T19:52:00.001-07:00

If an item is a liquid, it contains less saturated fat.

Stores Vs. Showrooms

2009-09-30T19:48:00.000-07:00

For an establishment to be called a showroom, it must charge more than 70% above list price. In addition, anyone shopping in a showroom requires some kind of license.